Theophilus Mog – Chapter Eight

There is an old legend in china about seven brothers who left the country to travel to a far off land and open up a restaurant there and make lots of money. This is the true story. It’s much weirder.

Seven brothers – Tau, Mau, Pau, and four others whose names the parents didn’t even bother thinking of because they knew that they’d only be side characters in this story – were getting very restless in their hometown of Guangzhou. They wanted to gout and seek adventure, scale the horizon, and most importantly, get the hell out of their parents’ house because there was no goddamn space anymore. So they built a boat out of Reed and wood and glue. They packed carefully and optimistically, one of the brothers bringing a small packet of powdered tiger penis. They had heard of a land far away called America. It had been told of in legend that such a land of vast wealth existed and so they set sail for it.

About halfway through the voyage, they realized that maybe building their own boat wasn’t a good idea. It has to be remembered that they didn’t have Google or Lifehacker to help them out. But even if they did, the middle of the ocean wouldn’t be an good place to learn this. They were just about to give up all hope when they saw an island in the distance. They jumped out and swam towards it. One of the unnamed brothers died at this point. The rest reach the island. At first, they’re afraid of what they might find. Their fears are allayed when they realize that the island is absolutely deserted. Nothing but rocks and trees and water. Pure virgin land. They decided to set up their restaurant immediately. Who could argue with their logic? It was a beautiful location.

They decided to call their restaurant, A Place To Eat. (This story works so much better in Chinese.) They made huge plans for a grand opening. They were going to go all out. They started slowly carving up the rocks into giant heads. Finally, after much preparation, the big day came. The grand unveiling of A Place To Eat!

But no one came.

At first, the brothers seemed calm but as time passed they began to blame each other! “Who was it who forgot the secret sauce?”, demanded Tau. No one had an answer. So they hit him instead. All of them died in the ensuing fight. (Don’t ask how.)

Theophilus Mog was their first customer. He died of starvation, complaining loudly of the terrible service the whole time.

(The scientist, philosopher and genius, L. Gomot was later greatly puzzled about the bones that were found on Easter Island. In his own words, “Either the answer is really weird or I don’t understand the question.”)