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Suicide Hotline #1

A: (suspiciously) Hello? Who is this?
B: Er. What?
A: (angrily) Who is this? Why are you calling me?
B: (confused) No, sir. You called me.
A: Oh, what? Really? Oh well. Thats fine then.
B: …
A: So whats your name?
B: My name’s Priya. Sir, you do realize you’ve called a suicide hotline?
A: Hell. Have I? Oh, well, thats convenient. Because I’ve been trying to drink myself to death and I’d like to know if you’ve got any tips.
B: Sir.
A: Come on, you must’ve picked up something by now!
B: Why don’t you tell me about why you’re trying to drink yourself to death?
A: …I don’t think I should.
B: Why not, sir? I promise to be understanding.
A: I don’t need understanding. I understand just fine on my own.
B: You can talk to me, sir.
A: Do you watch movies?
B: Yes, I do. I do very little else really.
A: Have you ever had these ideals? These principles that made you better than everybody else? That you promised to never break?
B: I think everyone does sir.
A: And did you break them?
B: This is about you, sir.
A: Oh right. Yeah. Well, I just broke every single one of them last night.
B: What exactly did you do?
A: I just signed a contract to act in a movie.
B: That doesn’t sound too bad.
A: You haven’t heard the plot. A guy moves to mumbai from delhi and falls in love with his neighbour who later turns out to be his sister. Yeah, not kidding. And she’s lesbian. And she then gets kidnapped by a crooked cop to get revenge on their noble father who doesn’t know about her “preferences”. He saves her by killing them all with a toothpick and a rubberband.
B: What really? A rubberband?
A: No, I made that bit up. It would’ve been so much better if that was really there.
B: That sounds slightly familiar. Still, it’s not a reason to want to die. Everyone with half a brain understand that the industry is like that. People just like cheese.
A: Fuck people. I didn’t study acting at fucking NSD to do this shit. Should’ve just stuck to goddamn theatre. Even doing that bit in that serial was such a fucking mistake.
B: Now, now, sir, please don’t get angry. It’s not so-
A: Oh, fuck off. If I wanted my cock sucked, I could just go ask Karan.
B: ..waittt-oh my god. You’re Neil Dattani. ohfuckinggodinheaven. Karan is Karan Johar! Oh god. Who else would throw in that lesbian thing. He’s singlehandedly proving that even homosexuals can be stupid closeminded dicks.
A: Haha!
B: And the serial! I loved you in that. You were the Preethi’s mentally retarded younger brother. That was brilliant. I especially liked how you didn’t feel the need to overdo any part of it. It was just so tasteful. And thats something you can’t say anymore. About anything.
A: Er. Thank-
B: And I even saw you in The Court Is Now In Session. It was indie as fuck but I’ma bit of geek about these things. I never saw any of your plays though. I just wasn’t ever into theatre.
A: Oh right-
B: Which bar did you say you were at?
A: Um. Reeko.
B: I’ll be there in ten. Don’t move. Bye!

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One response to “Suicide Hotline #1

  1. Raveena

    Suicide Hotline: A new place to meet vulnerable singles!

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